Sentimental Valium

Current song: "Dead Disco" by Metric.

Went out for a couple drinks this evening. My friends at the sports bar gave me the hook-up again!! There were literally 4 people in there, not including the staff. Good people over there--which sucks because I was committed to boycotting all sports bars once I moved to GR.

There were a billion people out tonight as I was coming home!! And of course, in my typical masochistic form, I find all the happy couples groping and being cuddly on the street and focus my attention there. In the 3 minute drive home, I got into a "mood" that was all too familiar--struggling with being a single guy. I've been too busy lately to think about it.

Did a lot of reading in the past two days and I've read some random disconnected things. But I have found a consistent theme between two of the books. I'll give the two excerpts first.

"As a white man, you can live your whole life never not fitting in. You never walk into a jewelry shop that sees only your black skin. You never walk into a bar that sees only your boobs. To be Whitie is to be wallpaper. You don't draw attention, good or bad. Still, what would it be like, to live with attention? To just let people stare. To let them fill in the blank, and assume what they will. To let people project some aspect of themselves on you for a whole day."

"...we are more conscious than ever, in our everyday lives, of the reality of people who live lives every bit as important and meaningful as our own but in very different cultural, political and economic contexts...For example, I received email from students who were involved in the Tianenman Square massacre in 1989 while it was happening. My 'consciousness of the global whole' was forever changed by knowing that students my age were investing their lives not in careerism or cable television but in defense of their basic human rights."

These two passages speak something massive to me: I have no idea about what the VAST majority of the planet experiences. And I hardly ever think about the legitimate benefits of being a white American male. And although I agree with the second author about the effects and growing realizations about globalization, I am not convinced that it's made a major impact in my own life. And I wish it was making an impact. I'm not sure how to grow in both my sensitivity and a healthy gratitude of my position in this existence. I want to learn though. Seems much more important than Britney's engagement or even the eating disorder of the rich twin!

Am I alone here? Anyone else have those kinds of thougts or concerns?

Exit song: "I'll Be Around" by Nourallah Brothers.

posted by -tr0y- @ 11:06 PM

I tried to change my blog title, but for some reason I can't figure it out. Those little things bug me so much--and it seems like I've grown more and more frustrated with those kinds of things lately.

There are a lot of things that I cannot figure out that do not bother me. For example, I can't figure out how or why the time changes when I cross over this imaginary boundary line in northern Indiana. I can't figure out how I can be talking on my cell one minute and then have absolutely no signal 50 feet later. Those types of things I cannot understand because they are so much bigger than the capacity of my grey matter. I don't get upset or bothered by them too much--I just accept that I probably can't ever fully grasp those things.

But I know enough html to be able to change two words at the top of a page. I know enough about sound and wiring to be able to figure out why I can't get a stereo signal from my computer to the receiver. (Which, I think, has finally been solved in the past half hour.) These are things that I SHOULD be able to understand and figure out. Those are the things that bug me to no end. The things that get me sweating and gritting my teeth. The things I look back on now and ask myself, "What is my problem?! Was it really worth turning into the incredible hulk?!?"

All the same, I can't get my new title to show and it's got me extremely upset. I might have to stick with 'thebaldtrain' for now. Sorry for the false advertising.

posted by -tr0y- @ 4:10 PM

Been gone quite a while. I didn't bring my laptop with me on the trips, leaving me without access to a computer for a week. Admittedly, it was tough, as I have realized I have a dependence (and dare I say relationship??!?) with both email and AIM. And I hate leaving c@it all worried about my whereabouts... Sorry!

I'm not sure the right move would be to recount the past 7 days here. Those really interested either already know what I have been doing or will ask me. Instead, I'd like to tell about my breakfast. I woke up a couple hours ago excited about last night's acquisition: english muffins. There has always been an english muffin-shaped void inside me that I try desperately to fill as often as possible. I'm not sure what it is--there isn't anything extraordinary about the little guys. I don't plaster it with some kind of jam or smother it in impressive preserves. I usually lightly butter and that's about it. But I love them every time! And this morning, I was able to incorporate my newest culinary addition: the toaster oven. That's right, joining my other stand-bys, the George Foreman grill and the wok, my new toaster oven is being stretched to the limits of all possibility. I'm trying everything in the toaster oven. I even wanted to try grilled cheese, but c@it spoke a great philosophical truth one night when I told her I was thinking about trying it.

"You can't do that. You have to smash it with a spatula!"

Words I have spoken many times about many things and people.

Finished another book last night by Mike Gayle. It's called "Dinner For Two." Like all of his books, it seems to be the perfect mixture of music and relationships--at least in my mind. I couldn't stop reading it last night. I jumped online to say hey to some people, but no one was around. So I decided to read for a while. Three hours later I had finished the book and was shocked as I looked up to see what time it was. I'm bummed because that's the last of his books.

One more story. Had dinner with a small group of people last night. One of the guys there is this super-smart student from Western Michigan. He speaks three (?) languages fluently and usually bowls everyone over by his choice of English words. He doesn't even need to pull out something in Chinese--we struggle to keep up in our native tongue. Anyway, he loves using words that have particular associations: like pirate words, or military terms, or medical or political etc etc etc.

So he's telling a story about a girl he dated who didn't like the way he dressed. Evidently after only 3 weeks of dating she started to buy him clothes. They didn't last too long--maybe 2 months--but she was buying him clothes for well over half of their relationship. Being the krass person that I am, I asked him if the clothes were any good. I could have asked about her or why they didn't last or anything else--but I chose to ask about the quality of the clothes. (Insert your favorite metrosexual comment here) He said he liked the clothes and actually still wears a lot of the stuff. And here is how the conversation ended.

tr0y: "Well then I guess the relationship was worth it--you got a lot of nice new clothes for free!"
friend: "Yea I guess so. After all, I did get the booty."

(Pausing for those who need extra time to digest what was said and what my friend meant.)

Few things more enjoyable than taking the quotes of another person out of context and using it against them. I'm thinking about trying that on a regular basis on here. Better watch what you say friends....

Coming next post (if I remember): My Top 5 One-Word Title Movies. (not including the articles "a," "an" or "the.")

And I decided to change my blog title--the previous choice wasn't nearly creative enough. This is much more along the lines of how I see this little internet confessional booth.

posted by -tr0y- @ 9:26 AM